The Single, The Selected, and The Brave.

Before you read, I give fair warning, as usual, that my posts are deeply personal, sometimes unsettling, and occasionally downright uncomfortable to read. But words are my therapy. And I like to think that they may be helpful to others in some way. This post is about being brave, so if you’re feelin’ it, read on.

Annie F. Downs is my new “girl”. I’m obsessed. Number one, she loves glitter. but also, everything that comes from her heart out through her voice and pen is pure genius, especially her book, Let’s All Be Brave, in which she openly shares her deepest fears, insecurities, and other idiosyncrasies about herself. Sometimes I think I am brave, but lately I have been challenged to be more “Annie level” brave.

I have a few close friends who know the status of my heart right now. They know the good, the bad, the ugly, the funny, the envy, the joys, the sorrows…you get it. Some of them are in similar situations or seasons of life, and I write this post for me and for them. 

Let’s get straight to the point: Being single can be scary as f#ck.

For some, maybe it’s not. But if you’re really honest with yourself, no matter your beliefs or dreams, the thought of not having a person to share your life with…ever...kinda sucks. Sure there are plenty of benefits to not being tied down, but that doesn’t remove the occasional freak-out moments altogether.

For me, being is single is scary because:

1. I have always subscribed to a more traditional lifestyle. I want the marriage, the white picket fence, and the dog running around in the backyard with the kids.

2. I have had the seed of motherhood planted in my heart since I was a child. Sure, I’ve had success academically and professionally, but the job title I envy is ‘mom’. An acquaintance who has turned into a friend recently had two beautiful twin baby boys, whom I have held, fed, and rocked to sleep in the last few weeks. The thought of never being able to do that with my own child makes me incredibly sad.

3. Some of my biggest fears about staying single later in life are: that my dad may not be around to give me away on my wedding day, my parents won’t get to spend more than a few years with their grandchildren, or that my only living grandparent may not get to meet her great grandchild. Obviously you should not make life decisions based on the timelines of others, but we’re being real here, so I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about these things.

4. In the words of Funny Girl Barbara Streisand, “People who need people are the luckiest people in the world”. It’s nice to have someone to need in your life, and to be needed. Notice I said need, not “be completely dependent upon”. Part of why my last serious relationship failed was that I depended on him too much, and he depended on no one..as in, zero. Neither of these is good. I fear not having a person to need, as well as not being needed.

5. What if something happens to me and confiding in my friends and family is not enough? What if I never have the intimate, covenant relationship with another person that we are, by design, programmed to want?

These are the real, raw, and uncensored thoughts of singleness that have, at times, consumed me. Yours may be completely different from mine, which are primarily family and marriage-based, because I was, at one point, very close to these things becoming reality.

But while Annie talks openly about her fears in her books and speaking engagements, she also talks about letting go of the ‘what if?’. No matter what your “single scaries” are, I’m sure you have your own set of what ifs.

What IF God never answers my deepest prayers? What IF this is not the storyline of my life? What IF this is not God’s plan for me? What IF… ?

What happens then?

Will I be okay? Maybe.

Will I be loved? Definitely.

One of the greatest gifts of being a believer is knowing that no matter what, no matter if nothing earthly is good or has ever been sustained in your life, you will be loved by the one who is eternal.

Sometimes, saying that to myself 100 times in a row, multiple times a day, is the only way to get past my what ifs.

In addition to knowing that you are loved no matter what, other reasons being single is a gift are:

1. Not having to coordinate every decision, all the time. This week, I planned a trip to Brooklyn, NY with 2 college friends. Not having to call someone and ask if that was okay and worked for their personal schedule was SO. NICE.

2. Getting to know yourself when you are bored. It is often surprising what you become interested in filling your time with when you find yourself with lots of the free kind.

3. Getting closer with your friends. Or sometimes, growing apart from relationships that no longer add value to your life. That may not seem like a “gift”, but in the long term it definitely is. I love the quote, “I learned a lot about being a friend when I was alone.” Truer words have never been spoken.

4. Redefining roles in your life. There is a 50% chance I will be someone’s biological mother, and a 50% I will not. You can argue that differently, but scientifically I either will carry a child or I won’t. But this doesn’t mean I can’t water and fulfill at least a part of that motherhood seed. I get the huge blessing of working with children every day. I laugh when they laugh, I hurt when they hurt, and I love them long after they leave my therapy room. I may only get to be a “mother” to them for 30ish minutes at a time, but I am filling the role no less.

And a bonus…

5. I don’t have to share bathroom counter space with ANYONE. If you’ve seen my hair care products you get this. Better yet, if you’ve seen my hair period YOU SHOULD GET THIS. Ha.

For my single-and-scared gals, change your label.

It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to fear the unknown. It’s not okay to be scared, have fear, AND not recognize the blessings of the uncommitted life.

For my thankfully-taken pals, change your approach.

It’s okay to encourage the single women in your life. It’s okay to tell them to think positive. It’s not okay to:

1. Say “you’re definitely going to find someone!” Guess what? That’s a lie. There are no “definites” in anything, especially in the crazy arena of love and relationships. Making unverifiable promises is not helpful. Say, “you’re going to be fine no matter what” instead.

2. Ask every month/week/day/five minutes if they’re dating anyone. Of course most of the time it’s just polite conversation. But over time, saying “no, I’m not” gets old. REALLY old. Women are pleasers by nature, so every time we have to give you an answer we don’t think you’ll like, it’s disheartening. Say, “do you have any news?” instead. There are plenty of good things to talk about instead of dating status.

3. Give unsolicited advice. It’s fine to give your opinion at times, especially when it’s requested. Without honesty, how would we grow? But for all that is holy do NOT tell single people in your life what they are doing “wrong”. Such statements may include “you’re too picky”, “you expect too much”, “you’re too forward”, “you’re too laid back”…pretty much if what you’re about to say has “too” in it, it should be kept to yourself. Of course there are always exceptions, but still. Instead, give constructive criticism to be “more” of a positive quality, and not “less” of a bad one.

Of course, the single person you may have said these things to knows you don’t have malicious intent and truly are invested in their wellbeing…I have said these things to people myself plenty of times! But when you change your approach from, “I want you to be happy with a significant other” to “I want you to be happy”, everyone wins.

There will be people who read this and think I’m insane for braking one of the cardinal rules of singleness and dating and making it explicitly known that I pray for a husband and babies. But guess what? Any man who is put off by this is not one for me.

We are all too afraid of what others are thinking all the time, especially when being single already comes with a blanket of insecurity.

I have wasted many hours and days of my life being afraid. I’m sure you have too.

…So stop it!

What can you do right now to stop being scared of your life not following your ideal timeline? Really think about this and, per Annie’s suggestion, work your what ifs? to the end.

Talk openly about your fears with the ones you love. You will often find your feelings are shared, and they aren’t as bad as they seem when they’re swirling around, unexamined, in your head and heart.

My yet-to-be-taken friends…you girls…you have a piece of my heart bigger than you will ever know. I want the negative connotation with “single” to end. I say we trade “single” for “selected“.

We have been chosen by God to wait.

To build faith.

To trust.

To hope and dream.

No matter how scary it may be.

Now let’s all be brave. ❤

Celebrate the love of others.

Mother where you can.

Embrace this season of life.

 P.S.

I love Jesus, but I cuss a little.

Read more from Annie F. Downs: http://www.anniefdowns.com/blog/

Cookies & Cocktails: Calories that Heal.

This is NOT a diet post, a recipe for some nasty paleo “treat”, or a low cal beverage recommendation.
This post is about why your gal pals (and sometimes sugar) are so important.

If you’ve read my other posts from this year, you know my life has not panned out the way I thought it would by age 25 in the slightest. Up until now, my identity was primarily founded in working and becoming a Mrs. and a Mommy. Not just being me. In the here and now.

God has made it very clear that this is my season of single, which I finally feel that I have accepted (and have actually come to enjoy and be thankful for.) This week was my spring break and it was the first time in over a year that I’ve felt normal, whole, and complete without a significant other.
It’s also the first time I’ve felt truly healthy–mentally and physically–in a very, VERY long time.
I’ve been in an agonizing cycle of depression and anxiety for a while, but I’m so happy to say most of my symptoms and triggers have subsided now. Medication and therapy helped tremendously, but what made a big difference was allowing myself to just enjoy life for a moment and indulge with some of the women I respect, admire, and genuinely love to be around.

Last Friday I had pizza and wine with girlfriends from work and danced like MTV was coming.

Sunday I had petit fours and punch with my mom, cousins, aunts, and grandmother, and
we burned hundreds of calories laughing at a comedy show (and at each other) later that night.

Monday I went to a brewery with two of my favorite coworkers and contemplated how short life can be.

Tuesday I went to an all day cookie-making class with 12 other women and learned a new skill that brings me so much joy.

Wednesday I ate cheese dip and chips next to a girlfriend who CRACKS. ME. UP.  making fun of our parents together at Mexican every week.

Thursday I practiced making my own cookies for several hours and ate a whole bowl of leftover frosting without shame.

Friday I sold those beautiful cookies (yes for money!!) to a friend from work,  and took my fluffy girl Emma for a spa day at the groomer.

Saturday I ran a 10k over a gigantic bridge with some of my favorite grad school friends, and we celebrated in Charleston with the best Bloody Mary’s and Moscow mules I’ve ever had.

Obviously you can’t do these things every day, every week, or even every month. That’s not realistic.

But what you can do is every now and then let go of your chosen label as the single woman, the skinny woman, the married woman, the worried woman, the motherly woman, the tired woman, the perfect woman, or any other woman you have tried to be…and just be A woman. Surrounded by the best ones you know.

Those cookies and cocktails were some of the best investments I’ve made for my overall health in quite a while. Yes calories consumed in good company might show up on your thighs, but who cares when they come with memories that are stamped within your heart. Now call up your gal pals and thank them for their friendship. They make our lives sillier, (occasionally sluttier), and always sweeter.

Bike Crash: When Your Plan & God’s Plan Collide

This past weekend, my best gal pal and I decided to take a trip to Georgia’s jewel, Jekyll Island. We didn’t go in with any plans other than to eat good food, have a few drinks, see the beach, and rent bicycles…because apparently that is just THE THING to do on Jekyll. We did all of the above, but we got a little more than we bargained for.

We had a little bit of a rough time traveling down, almost didn’t make it back to our hotel that night, and I had had an emotional next morning. But before we went home on Sunday, we finally rented our cute little beach bikes (complete with adorable baskets and bells!). I hadn’t ridden a non-stationary bike since I was about 15, so I was a little nervous but also really excited. We paid the man in the bike shack for a half-day rental, and we were off. After a few minutes of practice in the parking lot, we made our way across the street to the bike path.

If you’ve never been to Jekyll Island, the scenery is absolutely beautiful. You can’t help but look around you and take it all in…this was the main purpose of our morning bike ride. We had been going for about 5 minutes when I started to think about all the ways my personal life is in turmoil right now. I quickly told myself this ride was not for that but for me to clear my head and to live in the present for a moment.

That lasted for an estimate of exactly .2938437 seconds because what happened next, I still can’t really even believe happened.

I’m pedaling along, attempting to shift my thinking, when I look up again and see a man on a mountain bike barreling straight towards me. Before my mind has time to process the   (rapidly) approaching danger, we’ve hit head on. Yes, you’re reading that correctly. I was involved in a head-on collision ON A BICYCLE. (We won’t get into the logistics of the narrowness of the path or what’s considered an appropriate speed for casual beach bike riding, but we both ended up completely turned over, on the ground.)

Luckily, I was not physically injured except for a minor bruise, so I immediately get up and pull the bike off this man and apologize profusely. The man had a pretty nasty cut on his hand, and I know he probably fell a lot harder than I did, but he proceeded to scream at me, cuss me out, and demanded I give him personal information. I have never witnessed anyone actually acting like this in real life. Thankfully my friend was there to calm me down and keep a level head, but the man continued to yell at us and threaten to “record us” until the police came. I was in shock that someone could be so hateful and ugly after what was truly a freak-accident. The police eventually came and documented the incident, and we both went on our way. We are both very lucky that nothing worse happened.

After sitting on a picnic table for a while and sobbing crying/calming down, Maggie and I decided to head back to the rental place. Unfortunately my bike was in a little worse condition than I was, with seriously misaligned handle bars and some scrapes and scratches. I was asking God, “SERIOUSLY?! WHY?” and mentally preparing myself to be berated by another man for damaging his property and how I was going to be sent a hefty bill in the mail.

That ALSO lasted for an estimate of exactly .2938437 seconds because what happened next, I ALSO still can’t really even believe happened.

I explained to the rental guy what happened and showed him the bike, and I waited for him to quote me a how-the-heck-am-I-going-to-afford-this damage estimate. After the weekend I had already had, I expected nothing less.

But then God showed me why.

This man looked at the bike, then looked at me, and said, “No charge.” My eyes welled up with tears (again) and I hugged this total stranger. His completely unexpected kindness and empathy did a number on my heart. God showed me why. When you think you can’t find a good seed in any field you look, God plants one right in your path.

I thanked bike rental man many times over, but told him I was surely done riding for the day. He looked right at me and said no way. He went back in his shop, fixed the handle bars, and brushed off the bike and told me to get back on. He was adamant that we keep riding. He told us where to go and that it would be a huge loss not to see it. After several minutes of persuasion, I hesitantly got back on the bike and Maggie and I started pedaling. We kept going and going and the view got better and better. Eventually we came across a side street with gorgeous trees and picture-perfect houses and landscaping (see picture). Several photo-ops and laughs later, we made our way back.

What was at first the worst part of the trip quickly became the best. If you had to guess, you probably wouldn’t think that picture was taken AFTER the accident, but it was. God had a plan for me to see kindness that day, and even though he had a really funny way of showing it, I’m so glad he did. In the uncertain world we live in, we have to live for these moments.

I truly believe angels are everywhere if you look for them. If you want to meet one, make a trip down to Jekyll and rent your bikes at the Days Inn from the sweet guy with the silver fish hook necklace. You won’t be sorry.

 

2017 Is Not Your Year.

This post is mostly a long letter to myself. But it’s also for my friends going through a rough patch or any kind of uncertainty. It’s for grieving of loss and hope for the future. It’s for mental health awareness. It’s for relating. It’s for being kind. It’s reminders for you, and for me.

A lot of cool things happened in 2016. I moved my boyfriend at the time to an exciting new city. I finished my graduate program. I traveled to Mexico. I visited friends all over. I accepted a great job.

Then my life turned upside down.
More than once.
More than twice.
More than three+ times.

What started out as what was to be “MY YEAR!” (in my mind at least) quickly became the worst.

2016 was supposed to come with an engagement ring and a big move and a house and a much different job. It was supposed to bring happiness and peace of mind and the start of the next chapter of my life.

Needless to say none of these things happened. They didn’t happen for a reason, but that doesn’t make it easier to swallow.

I prayed. I cried. I questioned. I hated.
I became full of anxiety and depression. I stopped doing even the smallest, but still important, things. Fear, anger, and sadness consumed me. And sometimes they still do.

It’s now January of 2017.

The year that was supposed to come with a marriage and potentially a baby and who knows what other miracles. It was supposed to be “MY YEAR!: Part Deux”. Nope.

I still pray. I still cry. I still question. I’m working on the hating.

But…

I’m also dreaming. And hoping. And leaning. And loving.
Moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day.

NOT year by year.

I’m very much a type A, long term, big picture planner. Letting go of some of that is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’ve been to therapy. I’ve watched videos and read books. Retraining your mind and body to respond differently is insanely difficult, but it is possible.

So to other planner friends who are wondering if 2017 is your year, for whatever reason…it’s not. Because TODAY is your DAY.

Yes, today!

Even if you’re still hungover in your bed like me. Even if you’re anxious and depressed and feeling like genuine joy may never find you again.
It’s okay to be afraid. It’s okay to doubt and be sad and be angry and feel unsettled. Maybe you weren’t holding out for a family or the start of a new life like I was, but there was or is something that overwhelms you for this year. It doesn’t have to be that way.
Instead of worrying about the next 365 days, just focus on one. What is one thing you can do today to make it better than yesterday? Sometimes it’s big, like breaking a bad habit or planning a trip. Sometimes it’s small, like actually putting your dishes away or buying a watermelon in winter just because you want one. Just worry about today. Not this month. Not this year…just this one day.

You are not alone in whatever you are experiencing. I needed someone to say that to me constantly just to feel relatively normal. So I’m saying it to you now. Take whatever it is, and stop placing your worth on what happens over a certain index of time.

JUST. BE. IN. TODAY.

So whether it’s a vice or a vacation, a fork or a fruit, make today your day.

Eventually, enough of them will become your year anyway.

Books for a Lifetime: 11 Heart-Changing Books Every Girl Should Read.

     

A compliment I frequently receive is being very mature and confident for my age. While I still have plenty of immature and insecure moments, what I often tell people my maturity and confidence comes from is that I read (past tense) and read (present tense) A LOT. Listed below are just a few of the books that stand out in my mind as those that changed my heart in ways you can’t even imagine, all throughout my life. They built my self-esteem and confidence, broke me down when I needed a harsh dose of reality, and set the expectations for my life relatively high. That being said, I highly recommend all of the following:

1. Girls Who Grew Up Great by Gwendolyn Gray (ages 8+)

This was one of the first books I can remember my mom giving to me that was not fairytale or fiction. This book has hundreds of short stories about women across history who did amazing things…The first female novelist, a woman who disguised herself as a man to become the first female doctor in her country, the first woman president of a bank, etc. are just a few of the stories of success included in this book. You won’t find any damsels in distress who need saving here….Your daughter needs to read this ASAP!

2. The Girl’s Guide to Loving Yourself — a book about falling in love with the one person who matters most…you by Diane Mastromarino (ages 10+)

This book is another great one for building a solid sense of self-esteem. It discusses the pressing issues of youth (first kisses, zits, toxic friendships, etc…Essentially, all the stuff that can ruin your life at 13) through humor and practical application. This book helped me survive the awkwardness of middle school and all the years that girls are just plain mean. As someone who has been both the bully and the victim at times, this book was a reality check that I am grateful to have had.

3. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants Series by Anne Brashares (ages 10+)

This set of books…If you are my generation you KNOW what I mean!! I started reading these around the 4th grade. This was the first time I can remember reading about people who I could relate to. Girls who were best friends but still fought, who all at times made terrible mistakes, kissed boys, fought with their families, fell in love, witnessed death….Carmen, Lena, Bridget, and Tibby went through it all. This series makes you laugh, cry, and wonder….why? all at the same time. Buy the set for all the fourth and fifth grade girls in your life right now.

4. Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli (ages 12+) 

Another book for dealing with middle school drama. This story is about being quirky and
owning it. You can judge this one by its cover too, because it’s cute.

5. The Fault in Our Stars by John Green (ages 14+)

Not your typical Young Adult romantic fiction. This is not Twilight…This is love in its truest and most raw form. I haven’t cried this much reading a book since Dumbledore died in HP6. A story that truly captures what falling and being in love is like…”the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.”

6. It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken by Greg Behrendt (ages 18+)

I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve read this one cover to cover….10, 15, maybe even 20 times. This is hands down the funniest, most relatable, undeniably awesome book you could ever read while going through one of life’s suckiest periods: the days, weeks, months, and even years after a serious breakup. When a relationship ends, your friends will eventually tire of hearing you agonize and split apart every single detail of how your relationship ended. This book will never tire of you reading and re-reading it. It has great advice about what to do and more importantly what not to do, “and you thought YOU had it bad” stories (people sharing the most horrific breakup stories of all time..yours will seem like a piece of cake) and inspiring and encouraging messages of how to get back into the dating game. But, more importantly, it discusses how you are worth so much more than a relationship or another person. You have enough value on your own already, so find someone who matches that.

7. The Single Woman by Mandy Hale (ages 20+)

Another amazing post-breakup or anytime read. This book is all about valuing you for YOU. It talks about finding your worth in what you do with your life, not who is in it. One of the core themes of this book is to stop searching for happily ever after, and start creating a happy life instead. Written from a Christian perspective, it also discusses finding a higher purpose during your seasons of waiting and to define your life on your own terms. You’d be hard-pressed to find anything equally as uplifting for young singles.

8. Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers (ages 20+)

This is another one I have read over and over and over and often gift to others…a story about a good and Godly  man who is called to love the unlovable woman. This is a book you should read to set the standard for your husband….it will make you ugly cry at the end. And maybe throughout, too. It’s almost like ‘Pretty Woman’ in the 1850s, but 98467 trillion times better.

9. Gone With the Wind by Margaret Mitchell (ages 20+)

One of the most famous books of all time, and for good reason. Each female character has something to offer about what it means to be strong, kind, and, in the words of Rhett Butler, a ‘great lady’. We should all try to have the courage and bravery of Scarlett, the heart and tenderness of Melanie, the love and compassion of Mrs. Ellen…I could go on forever. Watching the movie does not count. This is a story you can’t possibly fully appreciate without reading every single page (almost 1,000 of them!).

10. Complete Guide to Money by Dave Ramsey (ages 20+)

If you’ve read any of my previous posts, you may know how strongly I feel about financial responsibility. Unfortunately, as women, many people do not expect you to have this knowledge or to appreciate it. Take control of your finances, your life, and your independence by knowing how to spend and save the smart way…and so that you may use your own financial gifts to bless others. They don’t teach you this stuff in school.

11. The Best Yes by Lysa TerKeurst (ages 22+)

One of my favorite excerpts from this book: “The decisions you make determine the schedule you keep. The schedule you keep determines the life you live. And how you live your life determines how you spend your soul.” Therefore, choose wisely!! This book discusses how so often we spread ourselves way too thin because of the need to please. Sometimes we forget it’s okay to say no. Sometimes, saying no to something small leads to saying yes to something big. Making wise decisions means giving your ‘best yes’ to the things that matter most, and this book tells you exactly how to do that. If you are or you know someone who is a constant busy-body, or who has young children or is planning to have young children any time soon, this is a must read!

Of course this list is in no way exhaustive, but these are definitely some of the highlights that have shaped me into who I am today. Happy Reading!

When You’re at Your Crazy Point: Yes Days, No Days, and Okay Days.

Whenever you decide to do something psychotic  commendable (like attend graduate school in a health profession) there almost always comes a time when you feel that you’ve reached a wall. Maybe you’re in school like me. Maybe you just started a new job. Maybe you’re a mom of two adorable but exhausting kids. Maybe you’re on a weight loss journey. Maybe you’re taking a big risk in some area of your life. You’re mentally and physically tired, questioning why you did this, and maybe you’ve even thought about quitting. Everyone has their own ways of coping with these less-than-fabulous days on your way to  destination ____________.

My current destination happens to be: Keali Lay, MS, CCC-SLP.

Sometimes I wonder if those 8 little letters after my name will be worth it. Some days, the answer if overwhelming yes. When my clients master their goals, tell me they love me, say a new word, hug me, or even make a sound period, I know it will be. When my clients shriek and scream, cry uncontrollably for 45 minutes of a 50 minute appointment, get their body fluids all over me, tell me my games are dumb, and have not nice parents, it is overwhelming no. When I ace an exam, complete a time-consuming project, and have perfect sessions, yes. When I give up my weekends and evenings, friends, dates, and time for things I would much rather be doing to study, work on those projects, and plan therapy, no.

Lucky for me the yes days are much more frequent than the no days. Wherever you’re at, I’m sure you have yes and no days too. But the only way to keep going strong on your way to whatever it is, you have to find ways to make the no days okay days.

For me, turning no days into okay days means finding small pleasures throughout the day and running with them. For example:

Yesterday I went to Target at 8am just so I could go in the dollar spot without anyone touching me. IT. WAS. AMAZING.

Sunday I listened to a song I love 7 times in row just because I could. Never gets old.

Saturday I bought a $1 coloring book because it was just so darn cute.

Friday, I asked for an extra flavor shot in my coffee (Yes I preach about budgeting, but your happiness is worth that extra $.25-.99 cents sometimes.)

Thursday I had a long phone call with one of my best friends.

Tuesday I made one of my favorite dinners and picked up a new book.

This Tuesday, I write this blog. Because it makes me happy!

And everyday, I pray–Thanking God for blessing me so immensely beyond belief while simultaneously hearing my complaints about those same blessings.

Every day I see people I know and love asking for prayers, for strength, for kind thoughts, for encouragement, or just for sympathy. Your struggle may not be the same as mine. But no matter where you are, I’m sure you have at least one. Take the initiative to find small pieces of happiness each and every second that you can. Eventually, they all add up.

Love the yes days. Understand the no days. Create the okay days.

What kind of day do you want?

Exhibit A: Clearly a NO day made OKAY with coffee!

How To: Build a Total Home Gym Under $100.

When it gets dark at 5pm and it gets colder every day, the last place you feel like going is the gym.

But….

This does NOT mean you get a free pass to skip your workout! So what do you do?

Bring the gym to you! This doesn’t mean you have to spend thousands of dollars on a treadmill, weight bench, elliptical, etc. You can get everything you need for less than $100 if you put in some effort.

Here are my go-to items in my own home gym!

1. If you can only afford ONE item, make it this one. The kettlebell does it all! It’s cardio, strength, toning, and flexibility all in one little package. The possibilities with this thing are endless. You can do a number of different types of swings (all cardio) or use it like traditional weights (rows, bicep curls, overhead press, do pushups on them, deadlifts, squats, ANYTHING!). It is a nice sub for a yoga block, too.

15 lb. Kettlebell

COST: Kettlebells usually run between $20-60 in stores like Academy, Target, and Walmart. I found this one at TJ Maxx for $12! Yes, TWELVE dollars!

2. You saw this one coming. Basic dumbbells. Again, the strength training possibilities are endless here. I have a few sets (5, 8, 10, 15). Obviously some people will need much heavier weights to reach and maintain their fitness goals, but these are your basics. *LADIES: do not waste your money on 1, 2, 3, pound weights. You will not accomplish anything worth your while flailing around a tiny pink baton-looking weight. I know they are cute, but please resist. (haha get it? “resist”…for resistance training…I’m hilarious.)

Dumbbells 15-5lbs.

COST: Dumbbells will be one of your more costly items because you have to buy two of each kind! A good place to look is Walmart, but sometimes you can get lucky and you can find sets that are in good shape at Goodwill. A really wise investment is a set of stacking dumbbells that you can add to/remove weight from. Ideal pricing: $40.

3. If you want to forego the dumbbells, get you one of these! A resistance band works great for some of the same exercises you can do with regular weights. You can make them tighter or more lax instantly. They also travel well and can help you get fit anywhere!

Resistance Band

COST: This is another TJ Maxx find. Academy has these for $15. I got mine for $4.99!

4. Anyone who knows me at all knows how much I love my stability ball. I don’t even have a desk chair because i just sit on this thing! You can do so much with it too. Sit ups, hamstring curls, lunges, etc. But what’s also super cool about it is that mine serves as my weight bench too. I do chest presses, flys, pullovers, etc. all while laying back on the ball. It truly is a multi-function item!

Stability Ball

COST: This will run about $20-30 at Academy or Walmart.

5. A mat is optional, especially if your workout space is carpeted, but it’s still nice to have! All kinds of floor work like pilates, yoga, and core are great to do on a mat.

Yoga Mat

COST: Mats are everywhere! You can find the best deals at TJ Maxx (surprise) for $15 or at Walmart for around $18-20.

6. You shouldn’t have to buy this next one because I’m sure you already have it…a chair! You can do a million cool things with one. I love to do weighted step ups, side step overs, sitting strength moves like reverse fly, kneeling rows, etc. using a chair. You can also use the back of the chair to do more flexibility based exercises like barre. Please, DO NOT pay $50 for a pure barre class when you can do this in your living room!

Fitness Hidden Treasure

Cost: Free!

7. The best cardio machine is YOUR OWN BODY! You absolutely do not need a treadmill, bike, stairmaster, or elliptical to increase cardiovascular endurance. And guess what? You don’t even have to run if you don’t want to! Running and walking are great exercise that require zero equipment but it’s not for everyone. Great cardio moves include all that old school stuff like jumping jacks, push ups, burpees, bodyweight squats, etc. and things like kickboxing and HIIT training…no equipment or machines required. Bodyweight exercises are 10x better for you (and usually burn more calories) than anything done on a machine. You can still do them in front of a TV and it’s a lot less boring!

*Insert picture of your own body here*

COST: FREE!

This is a great place to start in building your own home gym. A few other items I would suggest are a jump rope, an interval timer (great for HIIT cardio), or a pilates ring.

The point of a home gym is to make fitness functional, and to remove some of the barriers. I am a morning exerciser, but I know I would probably never wake up at 6 am to DRIVE to a gym, get set up, or see that someone is already using what I want, and then start my work out. A home gym is already there waiting for you, and you don’t have to share with a bunch of strangers.

Choose to make this small investment for your health and overall well-being. You won’t regret any of these purchases like you will that fancy treadmill you are still making payments on, and use as a drying rack.

I would love to hear about any items you have at home that you love to use for home fitness!

Home Gym

Happy Buying! -Keali xoxo

Dear Girl in Dressing Room, Here’s my size. Does it make me less pretty?

Dear Girl in Dressing Room,

I heard you yesterday. You thought it was private but it wasn’t. I recognized it right away because you used to be me.

I know what it’s like to cry and try to muffle the sound so no one will hear you, especially in a public place. But I heard you. The small gasps of frustration trying to get on those too-small jeans. The anger you feel because you are so uncomfortable with your body that all you can do is cry. The resentment towards other women who take the size 2’s off the rack without a care and happily slide them on with ease.

But this is not you. Or me. We are the double digit divas. The 10’s, 12’s, and 20’s. We are the ones they call “plus size” in stores like Forever 21. You enter boutiques in fear, knowing shopping trips can make or break you. You will either be elated that clothing zips without a hitch or devastated when it doesn’t. You so wish you could be a single size. Why does I’m a size six sound so much better than I’m a twelve?

Guess what?

It doesn’t. Not to me, anyway. Not anymore. It used to. My worth used to be measured by a certain pair of shorts from LOFT that were my “perfect size”. But….there’s no such thing.

The number on your pants and the number on the scale do not determine your beauty or your value as a person, a daughter, a wife, a sister, or friend.

Which is why I’m showing you mine. I’m not embarrassed. Sizes shouldn’t be a secret. They are as different as fingerprints in how they fit people. So here you go.

11/12.

If you can’t read the fine print that says 11/12 (and that’s on a good day!). Don’t ever be ashamed of a number a seamstress placed on a tag for sales purposes. You’re perfect just the way you are. Size 2 or 28.

I guarantee no one will ever say, “yes” if you ask them if yours makes you less pretty.

Love, Your Friend Who Chose to Stop Crying.

It’s your turn, doll! xoxo

15 Skills You Need to Master By the Time You Leave College (or soon after).

These are all the things college won’t teach you, but you absolutely need to know by the time you leave, or in the near future:

1. Your opinion on _________. It doesn’t matter what it is, but you need to have one. For me, this comes almost too easily. I have an opinion on everything from argyle sweaters to abortion. Do your research, be informed, make a choice. Stand by it.

2. How to Budget. If you can’t manage your finances now, just wait ’til they grow. If you don’t understand why or how to manage money early, it will become much harder the more of it you have. Need some help? Read my post on budget basics here.

3. How to ditch people who don’t really care about you. That guy who says he misses you then doesn’t text you for a month? That girl who calls you bae and then posts an instagram kissing another dude? Yea #byefelecia ….

4. How to stop saying bae…because, just no. Enough said.

5. Basic car maintenance. Two burnt-to-a-crisp car engines later I’m still working on that one. Check back with me after Christmas. But really, changing tires, checking coolant, all that good stuff. Learn it before you live it.

6. Contentment. Just because Spendy Suzy drives a beamer and only wears boutique-best doesn’t mean you have to do the same. Be happy with what you have or you’ll never be happy. The grass isn’t always greener.

7. Reading for pleasure. I have personally never understood people who hate to read, but it’s not a skill you leave behind at school. Do you know what all the world’s smartest, richest, and generally most successful people have in common? They read A LOT OF BOOKS. You don’t have to read The Odyssey, but at least read about what you like, and often.

8. Dealing with failure/rejection in multiple arenas. In the romantic sense, this was easy for me to come to terms with early on (see my 6th grade yearbook picture for further explanation). In the schoolwork sense it was not. I got into every college I applied to, my major, and just about anything else that required an application process. Grad school was different. I got 2 big fat rejection letters within days of each other, and that was not so awesome. It took a while for me to realize this is normal and okay. However, I got into the program I intended to go to anyway, so it worked out. But still, embracing that you will not always be the best at whatever you are best at is essential.

9. How to apologize. Again, a skill I am still refining. It can be tough when you have an I-usually-don’t-speak-up-unless-I-know-I’m-right-because-I-usually-am way of thinking (No idea where I learned that, Dad.) Knowing how to craft a heartfelt apology is necessary if you want to have, and keep, your friends.

10. Find a job that means something to you. You may have to do something you don’t like for a long time until you get there. But don’t stay stuck in something that only serves to pay the bills forever. You will spend the majority of your adult life working, so you better make it worth your while!

11. Stop being the victim. Take initiative. Everything is on you now. The world is a big scary place…if you think it’s out to get you. HINT: IT’S NOT. Be responsible, do your best, try, put in effort, stop blaming others…you call the shots now.

12. How to cook. Eating out every meal can be fun. But it gets old real fast and is extremely expensive in wallet and health terms. You’ll also start to appreciate your mom/dad/grandma/whoever cooked in your house a lot more.

13. Exercise. Yep, your metabolism is slowing down by the minute (sorry!) and you’re moving a lot less than you did a few years ago. Better make it a habit now, because I’m sure it’s much harder later! Walk your dog. Lift some weights. Do yoga. Do SOMETHING.

14. Write down your dreams and share them. Research has shown over and over that people who write down their goals are 5x more likely to achieve them than people who never write them down, and people who share their dreams are much more accountable. Some of mine? Write a book, be a mom, and become a self-made millionaire through smart saving (Thanks Dave Ramsey for the endless inspo).

15. How to be you. By now, you should have a lot of practice. Now go live it.

Find Your Why: The Story of How Fitness Healed a Broken Heart.

After you’ve written a few blogs, you start to wonder how personal is too personal. But then you realize, if sharing something you’re not proud of can help someone else, maybe it’s worth it. Hence, the following:

Disclaimer: This post is deeply personal, a little bit cheesey, and somewhat lengthy. Continue with caution. 

We all exercise (or don’t) for some reason or another. Get skinnier, get bigger, feel better, move more… It wasn’t until I realized the true healing powers of exercise that I understood those seemingly crazy people who love to work out (or at least complain less about it). I realized maybe they aren’t so crazy, and that it seems each of them has a story behind the madness.

Here is mine.

The summer of 2011 was probably one of the worst of my life. I came home from my first year of college (woohoo!) to what I thought would be my family, my friends…and my boyfriend at the time. After a year apart, a whole summer together sounded like the best thing ever… Until it wasn’t.

If you’ve never had one, a “broken heart” sounds pretty foolish. Just another exaggerated term we throw around–something that only exists in books and movies that they occasionally tell you how to deal with in Cosmo Magazine. But none of that can prepare you for what it’s actually like.

Misery. Doubt. Fear. Emptiness. Hurt. Numbness.

On a level beyond comprehension until you’ve been there.

Two weeks into my summer break, it was my turn for the experience, and it wasn’t pretty.

I tricked myself into thinking it was temporary and not serious. But it wasn’t.

Of course I did all the things any normal girl does during a time like this…watch lots of movies, eat all the ice cream (and cookies. and cake. and mac and cheese. and doritos. You get it.), and be super lazy and act worthless.

One day I was so miserable and sick of lying in bed (actually, I think I ran out of movies) that I went to an exercise class with my mom catered to middle-age women. I was the youngest person there, but at the same time one of the least fit. 5 minutes into the warm up and I was dying. My lungs were toast, my legs already hurt and I was ready to leave. I pushed through the hour, struggling.

But I went back a few days later. And then again. And then a few more times. Eventually, I realized I could breathe easier and move quicker. I was getting stronger. On the outside, at least. Internally, I was still a wreck. My mind was constantly flooded with what could I have done differently? Was this really supposed to happen? Why..why why why? Shoulda Coulda Woulda.

But after a while, something awesome happened. Every time I exercised, I could no longer focus solely on my depressed mood. I had to exert conscious effort into what I was doing. The exercises started to get harder as a added weights and resistance. But the burn in my legs and the ache in my arms eventually started to replace the ache in my heart. At least for the time being. And as my physical muscles grew, so did my mental muscle of being able to separate myself from the pain I was feeling. With every lap, sit up, and squat, it got easier…that is, until it got harder again.

Eventually my wish came true and this person came back around. Actually, he came back around on multiple occasions. Every time it got to the point that I felt I could no longer stand being alone, he would show up. And every time I agreed to go back, my mental muscles disintegrated. Just like real muscles do from underuse.

At this point I was well into my sophomore year. I was still exercising, but not in the same way or with nearly the intensity as before. I was hamster-wheeling away on the elliptical, half-assing my way through workout DVDs I didn’t even like. But it was okay because my person was back.

Then one day, broken heart round 5 (jk, if you ask my friends, it was more like round 598745) sent me over the edge. I knew what I was doing stupid. Why do I keep going back to this person who clearly does not want me, or love me, or he wouldn’t be allowing us to do this to each other? This is when I knew I had to change.

It’s amazing how much of your time you free up when you stop catering to someone who is screwing around with your feelings. So I went to the gym. A lot. I took classes, lifted weights, ran, worked out at home. I did everything. I put on so much muscle I actually gained weight and went down in clothes sizes. (Crazy how that works.)

Everything was going great (junior year) until this person we’ve been referencing tried to put me through round 598746 of the poisonous cycle we had created. But this time was different.

I was different. My body was different. My mind was different. And my heart was different. Finally, I had the nerve enough to tell him no. To stop. To not call me. To not text me. To not even think of doing either, ever, into the foreseeable future.

And the cycle stopped.

So what was the point in all that?

I truly believe my physical strength was the driving force into changing the rest of me. Without it, I’m not sure how many times I (or he) would have continued to give in, to go backwards, to undo any sort of progress made in the healing process. Every time I finished a workout I remembered how I knew I could never achieve complete fitness or health if I didn’t change what was happening in the other areas of my life. I’m not saying going to the gym and getting stronger physically will automatically make you a better person. But I am saying that exercise is powerful in that the external changes can rollover into internal changes…if, and only if, you realize and appreciate their similarities, and you allow the process to happen.

I truly believe fitness builds character. In fact, I believe it so much that I even became certified through the American Council on Exercise to teach others how to achieve it. Every time someone leaves one of my classes smiling, although it can be hard to see through the sweat and soreness… 🙂 I remember why I chose to do this. I like to tell myself that, on some level, they’re becoming better on the inside too and they know it.

Some assume I hate this person for how he broke me (and I him…this was in no way a one-sided deal). But actually, I have to thank him because, in reality, he didnt break me. He built me. One rep at a time. I have forgiven him and myself. We have actually spoken recently (now well into my first semester of graduate school) and it was civil…imagine that.

I truly believe fitness healed my broken heart. If it can do that for me, imagine what it can do for you.

Get moving today. Find your why.